Frank Thunderfist

Frank Thunderfist
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird, Frank Thunderfist, is a former world champion bodybuilder in addition to being the brother of Tony Thunderfist, a bird I have written about previously. Frank had made a fortune in endorsement deals, and had won tremendous fame with his numerous wins in competitions. He became an international sensation. That is, until he was hit by a bus one day when he was signing autographs.

Not only did the bus break both of his legs, it also sent him flying through the air at least 30 feet. His head landed in an open mailbox, and all the mail that was in the mailbox gave him hundreds of paper cuts all over his face, leading to irreversible brain damage.

Of course, after losing his mental faculties and physical prowess, interest in Frank Thunderfist dwindled to practically nothing. He got a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart, but things took a turn for the worse when he greeted a gang without using the proper hand signal. This led to a brutal beating that left Frank with even more broken bones and shattered dreams.

His brother Tony took him into his house to keep an eye on him, but things broke down when Frank spilled a bowl of cheerios, and Tony entered into a steroid fueled rage. He threw a lamp at Frank and broke his nose, and then proceeded to kick him out into the street.

Another Wal-Mart employee decided to take pity on him. Her name was Jessica, and she took Frank into her home and acted as a full time caregiver. Unfortunately, one day when she came home from work, she found that Frank had hanged himself using tied together Twizzlers.

Bank Robbery

Bank Robbery
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird may not look dangerous, but it certainly is. I was making a bank deposit when I first ran into this bird. A couple windows down, this bird was making a withdrawal – a very large one that included money that didn't belong to it. I took this shot as he revealed his knife to the teller, threatening to use it if they did not give him the money. Unfortunately for this particular bird, there was a thick layer of glass between him and the teller, who simply sounded the alarm. Police took the bird down in seconds.

You likely will notice the fact that this bird has six arms. I don't know the source of the anomaly, but it is something I have never seen before in any other birds. From what I saw, it seemed to be able to use all of its arms with the same mobility of any other bird. This didn't seem to help him though, as he was still apprehended by the police without much of a fight.

I visited this bird ten months later, and he seemed to be quite mellow. I don't know if this is a result of the imprisonment, or of he had always been mellow. He told me that he had been on speed when he robbed the bank, which is why it was such a terrible and impulsive plan. I believe him, and from the little time I spent with him, I got the impression that he was cold and calculating, and that as soon as he was released he would be back to robbing banks. He even told me that he had been raising a tornado in his house since it was a baby, and that when it was a full grown tornado, he would use it to propel himself, while on a bicycle with a chainsaw on the front, through the vault door to access the money.

On my way out, I hit the guard in the back of the head with a bat, took his keys, and threw them in the bird's cell.

Birdle

Birdle
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This bird is similar to the Galapagos tortoise, particularly since it is calm; it lives for hundreds of years, and moves very slowly. However, unlike the Galapagos tortoise, this creature's shell is far too small to be of any protection; it has a significant amount of brown hair, and obviously has a beak.

That said, this bird creature talks. It speaks English, and tells great stories, thanks to its age. Children gather around frequently to hear its stories. It was a general in World War 1, and commanded American troops in their invasion of the underwater kingdom of Atlantis. They fought only with their teeth. It's a little known fact that WW1 was a biting war, and all the deaths were caused by biting frenzies. To avoid confusion, I want to put to rest right now the notion that this is cannibalism, as it's not. More like when a cat bites a human. Obviously the cat can't eat the person, it is an attack.

In any case, he won the battle, and took over Atlantis, becoming its emperor. He forced the citizens to build him a huge castle with lasers as missile defense. They cooked him huge meals that he wasted, eating about 5% and throwing the rest to his pet aqua-dogs. Unfortunately, they had scuba suits so they were unable to eat and died.

I don't know what happened from this point until today, and neither does he as his memory is mostly gone. He spends most of his time in old folks home, either sleeping, eating, having fits, or entertaining children

Formal Dinner Accident

Formal Dinner Accident
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I met this bird when I was at a formal dinner with the president of Toyota. I'm not sure whether or not this particular bird was in fact invited, but he showed up nonetheless. He arrived sober (as best I could tell), but that didn't last very long. The first drink came with everybody else's, but the way in which he drank it differed in that he downed it instantly. He seemed to feel the effects within seconds, slamming his fist on the wineglass, shattering it. He screamed and then called for another drink. This pattern continued, repeating at least thirty times before they refused to serve him again.

This sent him into a furious rage, when he began to throw things – plates, broken glass, shoes, knives, and so on. Only three people were injured before he left via jumping out the window of the three story building. It's a miracle he survived, and after he regained consciousness, he limped across the lawn to a parked fire truck across the street at the fire department. He threw a rock at the windshield, breaking the glass, allowing him to enter. Apparently the last driver had left their keys in the car, as the lights lit up and the engine revved rather quickly.

The fire truck began accelerating very quickly, the tires squealing. It swerved from side to side briefly before getting control. He was headed straight to the building we were in. people gathered at the window to look down at all the commotion. As he got closer and closer, we all began to get nervous.

It turned out that we had a good reason to be nervous, because he slammed into the building with incredible velocity. The building shook and everybody fell to the ground, spilling wine everywhere. The crash had created a fire, and it was climbing up to the second floor. We were next. We didn't know what to do, but when the flames hit the wine on the ground, we knew we had to do something. Fortunately, I always wear parachutes to formal dinners, so I jumped out the window and only suffered an ankle sprain. I assume everybody else died.

Stan the Toucan

Stan the Toucan
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This toucan was named Stan. Stan was a retired professional golfer, living out his life with his fortune that he'd accumulated. Stan was one of the birds that had the intellect of humans, but Stan had suffered a concussion at the hands of Tiger Woods, when Tiger had accidentally swung his golf club into the back of Stan's head. This had left Stan with severe brain damage, and left him unable to care for himself without professional full-time help.

He ended up being confined to his mansion where he would sit and play with Tonka trucks and Legos for hours and hours on end. He would not recognize old friends and acquaintances, but he was approached by one of his old fans one day who offered him a job as a helicopter pilot. He immediately accepted but refused to go through any training of any sort. When he did make the flight, he crashed during takeoff, killing all of his passengers. Fortunately, he was not injured, and he was escorted by federal authorities from the crashed helicopter directly to prison.

This photo was taken one day when I visited him in prison. I stuck the camera lens through the cell's bars, got the thumbs up, and that was that. I left and never spoke a word to him. I have heard that he is writing an autobiography, but I am suspicious of his writing ability. Ah well, I suppose we'll see soon enough

The Beast

The Beast
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Another bird like the previous "animalistic" birds, this bird is actually quite large. Approximately the size of an elephant, this bird slowly marches along the desert in search of food. Its primary diet consists of cacti and camels.

This particular bird I encountered when I was trekking across the Sahara on a camel, when I heard thunderous footsteps in the distance. By the time I turned around, it was only 10 feet away, and it was charging at nearly 20 miles an hour. I was immediately thrown off the camel, breaking my arm and shoulder. The camel tipped over on to it's side violently, sending up sand in a blinding gust. By the time I had wiped the sand from my eyes and I could see, the bird had dislodged it's jaw like a snake and was devouring the camel whole. I stared in wonder as it ate, oblivious to my existence. After finally devouring it, it snorted and turned towards me, but didn't seem to take much interest. It slowly turned away, and began slowly walking back in the direction that it had come.

I would have thought that the body of the camel would be big enough to show some increase in size, but the creature was already so bloated I couldn't notice any difference whatsoever. I would have followed it, but I only had a small bottle of water, and with my camel dead and gone, I would have to use every bit of strength I had to get back to civilization.