Elvis

Elvis
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Okay, so this isn't actually Elvis, but it's as close as you're likely to get in the world of birds. Despite the dissimilarity, this bird will answer to not other name than Elvis. I met this bird at a bachelor party for a friend of mine, and it turns out that this bird was the "entertainment". Needless to say, there was a lot of disappointment all around. Initially, there was some slight laughter, with the majority of us assuming that this was a joke, but after 10 minutes of this bird standing in one place, making squawking noises "imitating" Elvis, it became apparent that this was all we were going to get.

Within the hour, everyone had left the party, except for me and the bird. I wanted to speak with the bird out of curiosity – how did it get this job, and why? I also needed to ask the guy organizing the party why he had hired the bird, a question he has yet to answer. Unfortunately, he left in his Camero before I had a chance to speak with him. I don't know what his situation was exactly, but I suspect it was some sort of prank or something.

Anyway, unfortunately, this bird was one of those birds that doesn't speak. It seems that birds fall into the speaking and non-speaking category. The speaking category seems to be fairly intelligent, or at least intelligent enough to hold a simple conversation. The non-speaking category seems more like a pet dog or cat. They are alive certainly, but unable to communicate or think coherently. This bird certainly falls into the latter category, and I wasn't able to get any information whatsoever. I took a photo of it (which it didn't even respond to), and left.

This is a situation similar to the Babe Ruth situation I posted about a week ago, in which these pet-like birds are being taken advantage of. The Babe Ruth bird was getting married, which I doubt it even understood, and this bird being sent out as "entertainment" at bachelor parties. I suspect that there is some sort of company that sends out these birds to "entertain", despite them being completely clueless, and pays them nothing.

I think the government ought to step up to the plate here. We can't just let these birds be continually abused. Something has to be done. I would suggest that the more competent birds take initiative, but there seems to be some sort of feud between them and the "lesser" birds.

The World's Strongest Bird

The World's Strongest Man
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Several months ago I took out a classified ad in my local newspaper, advertising steroids and other assorted illegal drugs, and the first call I received was from this bird. His name is Tony Thunderfist, and his body, surprisingly, is not all natural. We arranged a meeting at a bus stop several miles from my house. I brought the goods.

When he arrived, his eyes were bloodshot, and he was constantly twitching and making mock hand-washing motions with his hands. He looked nervously to the right, and then to the left, and he asked to see the stuff. I showed it to him, we agreed on a price, and I sold him some steroids.

Just the other day, I was watching television, and I was surprised to see my old "friend" was competing in a weightlifting competition. His body was significantly larger than it was when I last saw him (perhaps thanks to the steroids), and he was sitting on a bench, waiting for his turn. On an impulse, I decided to drive up to the competition (which was only about 15 minutes away) and see him.

By the time I arrived, he had already had his turn, so I decided to wait outside until he had finished his paperwork and packed his stuff, and I could speak to him on his way out. I later learned that he had ended up failing to hold the weight over his head for but a split second, and he became enraged at his failure. He had thrown the weights at the judges, breaking one of one of the judges' legs. He had even bitten the referee's arm. When his rampage had ended, he ran for the door, with the police right behind him. He got to the door first, got outside, and lifted a car over his head and used it to block the doors. He then turned to see me.

We had a fairly long discussion, and he agreed to pose for some pictures. I gave him my card, in the event that he wanted some more steroids, which I had still a substantial amount of.

The Baseball Game

The Baseball Game
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I don't know a whole lot about this bird except that it was a bit of a social outcast. I don't know its name, or gender for that matter, but I saw it at a baseball game, stumbling around on the stairs in the stands. I walked over to try to help it, or at least ask what was going on, but it immediately vomited all over the place. I suspect that this bird is deranged, or at least has some sort of mental disability. It didn't seem to be able to speak coherently – it made noises, but nothing intelligible.

Not that I'm complaining, it was actually a relief to not have to talk to a bird, or convince them to let me photograph them. It just stumbled around like some sort of sick animal while I photographed it. I felt quite sorry for it actually, as other fans in the stands were throwing empty plastic cups, hot dogs, and other assorted items at it, pointing and laughing. When struck, it did make some sort of noise, and it instinctually flinched, but it was clearly very confused.

I didn't know how it got into the game, until after the game had ended. One of the players of the winning team, I believe his name was Babe Ruth, introduced the creature as his wife. I guess this would signify it as female, but it really didn't exhibit any feminine characteristics. Either way, it was definitely either ill or mentally challenged, and I couldn't help but feel that this "Babe Ruth" was taking advantage of it.

'Quihlo

'Quihlo
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I met this bird at the Guggenheim Museum in New York City several years ago. Apparently, he was an artist himself, and was visiting his favorite museum to gain inspiration for his next project. Unlike Frederick, this bird, 'Quihlo, was actually quite talented. He has apparently had several exhibitions in the past few months, and is said to be one of the brightest stars on the horizon.

He was a magnificent sculptor, but his story is not a happy one. His wife was his muse and his ultimate inspiration, and he was nothing without her. One day, she left him. She took their truck and loaded it with valuables, such as bubble gum and skateboards, and took off into the night. When he woke up, 'Quihlo was distraught. He had no idea what to do. She had left him a note, stating that she was leaving for Kentucky. Knowing that his career was over without her, he decided to chase after her. He got into their other car, and went towards the only place in Kentucky he knew she could be going – her ex-husband's house.

Upon arriving, he saw through the window that she was indeed there. He knocked on the door. Her ex-husband answered, and 'Quihlo immediately struck him with a baseball bat. His wife screamed and recoiled and horror. He violently grabbed her, took her over his shoulder, put her in his trunk, and headed home.

He told me during our meeting at the Guggenheim that she was still at his house, a hostage. After we parted ways, I notified the police, who presumably contained the problem.

The police occupied, I then looted the Guggenheim, stole several priceless works of art, and sold them on the black market for a fortune. I used this fortune to build a statue of a giant smashed beer can.

The Ski Lodge

The Ski Lodge
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I met this bird in a ski lodge in Colorado 6 years ago. He worked as a college professor at Harvard University in the field of European History and he was there with his family on vacation over the Christmas holidays. His wife and two children were out skiing, and he was sitting in the lodge having broken his leg on the slopes.

He was fairly depressed, and he went on to tell me about his marital problems. Apparently, his wife had grown tired of his company and had decided to have an affair. She worked in a graveyard as a zombie guard – looking for zombies to come out of the graves at night, and killing them before they get a chance. Apparently one of these zombies had been the zombie of her old high school sweetheart, and she couldn't resist.

She had just informed him a few days ago, and told him that their marriage was over, and she was going to get remarried to the zombie. She wanted to keep the children, but he didn't think they should be raised by zombies – zombies tend to be bad influences. He had already noticed his wife's meals start to have side orders of brains.

I don't know what became of him, because at this point in the story I decided to go get some hot chocolate, and when I returned, he was gone. It wasn't a big loss to be honest; I was beginning to tire of his story.

The Subway Incident

The Subway Incident
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

I took this photo on the New York subway, and I have to say that I regret it. This bird was not nearly as friendly as some. Immediately after he saw the flash bulb go off, he turned and stormed straight in my direction. He put his face inches away from mine, and lifted his arm and poked me in the chest, menacingly.

"Give me the camera." He demanded.

"No way, this camera was expensive. If you want, I'll just delete the photo." I said, even though I had no intention of deleting the photo.

"No, that's not good enough. I need to know that the photo is gone forever." He said without hesitation.

He was clearly beginning to get frustrated. I didn't want to delete the photo, let alone give him my $5000 camera, but I wasn't about to get into a fight with this bird. Fortunately, there were a few police officers nearby, so in the event that he started a fight, it likely would be broken up before getting out of hand. I tried to calm him down as best I could, but he just seemed to get angrier. So I did what I thought was the only real thing I could do. I sucker punched him and ran as fast as I could. I heard a substantial amount of profanity behind me, as well as some demands to stop from police officers as I ran, but due to the crowd, they was never able to catch me.

Charles and Bessie Lou

Charles and Bessie Lou
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

Charles and his dog Bessie Lou are two real inspirational stories. Charles was born in a Japanese internment camp in 1943. It was there that he met Bessie Lou who taught him the ways of the samurai. Fortunately, these samurai skills allowed Charles to fight his way through numerous guards, and cut a hole in the barbed wire fence to escape through. However, there was one ultimate guard that remained.

The ultimate guard featured 2 inch thick body armor, a helmet reminiscent of "Shredder" of Ninja Turtles fame, a long red cape, and huge cowboy boots. The ultimate guard revealed his tomahawks that he juggled in a display of arrogance and skill. Charles was taken aback, and he dropped his trusty sword. Seeing that Charles was unable to defend himself, the ultimate guard threw his tomahawks. Just as the tomahawks were about to collide with Charles, Bessie Lou jumped between them and him, and used her telekinetic powers to turn the tables, throwing the tomahawks back at the guard. Once the tomahawks collided with the guard, he immediately exploded.

Able to escape, Charles and Bessie Lou made their way out of the camp, and proceeded to write the book Farewell to Manzanar.

Artist's Interpretation

Artist's Interpretation
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

This particular bird is a special kind of bird, considering that it has wings instead of arms, doesn't wear clothes, and has yellow bird legs, as opposed to human legs. As unusual as this is, many people claim to see these kinds of birds all the time, which I find rather shocking. Frankly, I believe this to be some sort of conspiracy.

Obviously, this is not a photograph like the others on this blog, but is rather an artist's (me) rendering on what one of these birds might look like, if they did actually exist, which, again, I don't believe is the case. Like Bigfoot and the Lock Ness Monster, this is likely an urban legend told on from generation to generation, that somehow goes without scrutiny by some people. I suppose I'm a traditional kind of guy, but I have to say that this is something I have to see to believe.

Frederick

Frederick
Originally uploaded by devastationstudios.

There are a few things about this bird I felt I should clarify. First off, while he is wearing what looks to be address shirt with a tie, they are actually clothes obtained directly from the garbage. Therefore, they are obviously not a sign of wealth. As I mentioned before, most of the birds are poor.

I met this bird on the subway. He was having an argument with a homeless man. The bird had dropped change into the homeless man's guitar case, and went to retrieve it. Understandably furious, the homeless man took offense and initiated an argument. Just as the bird was preparing to punch the man in the mouth, I intervened. Grabbing the bird by the wrist, I shouted "chill out dude!" the bird, Frederick, was still angry, but took my advice anyway.

I took Frederick with me down to the next car, sat him down, and asked him what was going on. He reluctantly informed me that he was having some serious difficulty adjusting to normal society.

You see, this particular bird was raised on a farm by a colony of ants. This is actually a fairly unusual situation, and having peaked my interest, I decided to befriend him. I decided to help him assimilate into society. I sat him down in my apartment for some questioning, which is where I took this photo. In questioning him, he revealed that he had always dreamed of being a famous painter. I decided to let him paint me, so I could judge whether or not he could make a career out of it. I was initially struck when I noticed tears collecting under his eyes as he painted me. The passion was evident in his face, and I really hoped that his painting would be well done.

Even so, I was not particularly surprised to learn that he didn't have a great deal of talent. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, but at the same time I didn't want to lead him on. I decided that it would be best to be blunt so he didn't get any false hopes. Apparently I was too blunt, and he ran screaming from my apartment, and I haven't seen him since.

Frederick, if you are reading this, let me know how you are doing and if there is anything I can do to help. If anybody reading this knows Frederick or how I can get in touch with him, please leave a comment.